Bedtime routines

She tucks the boys in every night after we pray. Even the eleven year old still likes to be tucked in. The thought of that makes me smile to myself as I begin to pick up what used to be the living room. At this moment, it was a fort. Or was it an airplane? I’m not really sure.

I can hear her telling the seven year old good night as I scoot his little table back into its corner. It sounds like he’s trying to stall. He’s a master at stalling at bedtime.

After all of these months, I know her routine well. She says goodnight to the boys, kisses them and tells them to have sweet dreams, then she goes into the bathroom for a few minutes of quiet alone time. This gives me time to finish the living room so we can sit and watch TV for a while before bed.

Every time I help out with something around the house, she tells me that I don’t have to do it. I always say, “I know.” I want to help her. I see how hard she works to make a wonderful home for her boys and I want to help her. I want to show her how much I appreciate what she does. And if I’m being completely honest, moments like these are my favorite. This is exactly what I’ve always wanted and have never had. Moments like this make me happy because I can feel us becoming a family. I love that.

She walks out of the bathroom as I’m just settling down on the couch. The living room is back. The fort (or airplane) is put away. I can’t wait to see what they come up with tomorrow.

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I love me. I hope you love you too.

What defines happiness?

That’s like one of those questions that you think would be easy to answer, but sometimes, when you think about it, it’s as hard as the question, “What is the meaning of life?” Actually, when I think about THAT, they’re really kind of the same question. Sort of.

I used to think happiness came from things. Happiness came from buying a new car or my first big girl camera (which I never learned to use because developing film was expensive). Sometimes I felt like happiness came from going out and having (too much of) a good time with my friends. Whatever it took to make me feel happy, I did it. However, at the end of the day, when I was alone, I was unhappy.

I knew it was a problem. For many years, I chose to ignore it.

It could have very easily broke me. It almost did.

The turning point for me was discovering my true self. To be okay with my true self and to learn how to love my true self. Why is it so hard for people to love themselves? Having a great support system in your life is awesome and needed, but you should be your own biggest fan. I had to learn how to do that by accepting my sexuality. I had to like my sexuality. I had to love that part of me, which was a very hard thing to do considering I spent the majority of my adulthood hating that part of me.

Now, when I look in the mirror, I see a beautiful human being. I feel alive and like I’m finally living. I have a beautiful woman who loves me just as I am (including my tendency to become a bitch in big city traffic), and life is so good.

I see so many people on the internet (including some friends), who just aren’t happy. They are so hard on themselves and they truly don’t know how lovely they really are. I am sad for them. I wish I could show them but I know that can only come from within themselves. I pray that one day they find it within themselves.

Take a look in the mirror. Look deep within yourself and know you are beautiful. You’ll see life in a whole new way. I promise.

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