The question asked in today's Table Topic is: Who do you sorely miss?

Last week was the 6th year anniversary of my uncle's death. I've thought a lot about him lately, so my initial thoughts were that this would be my answer, then it occurred to me that there's someone else. (So, Uncle Larry, even though you pissed me off most of the time, I love you. But you're gonna have to take a backseat to this one.) While I miss my uncle very much, there is one other that I miss above all others. But to answer this question, I first have to pose a question.

Can you miss someone you never got the chance to know? My answer to this is, yes. You can. So, I sorely miss the little girl that I briefly shared space with inside of our mother's womb. I mean, I knew her for a short while, right? So, I can say that I miss her. I don't want you to think that life was completely terrible growing up, because it wasn't. But I've always felt that there was something or someone missing in our family. So, now that I know, she was the one missing, I can't help but wonder. A lot. I wonder what life would be like if she were here. How would my life had been different growing up? How would my life be different now? I admit to not being the most confident of people. I also sometimes feel out of place in my family. So, if she were here, would I have had more confidence growing up? Would I feel more at "home" in my family? These are all questions that can never be answered, of course, but I can't help to step back at family functions and think, where would she fit in this picture? Would she be arguing with our brother like I do? Or more importantly would we be bitching about our brother together? Or would she be busy chasing after her own children?

I've never really felt like a whole person. I've always felt off, if that makes any sense. Like a huge chunk of me is missing. She is missing. That was really hard for me to accept for a long time. I often felt like what did I do to deserve this? Why did I have to be deprived of her? Now I know, I didn't do anything...it just happened. Does it stink? Yes. Does that mean I shouldn't miss her, or the thought of her? No. Because I do. So much that it hurts. But now, I'm lucky to have found people that won't take her place, but they do fill a bit of the void. And that I can accept. I have to admit, though, I'd give my right arm (I need my left), to wrap my arms around her just once. Maybe one day.

So, do you want to participate in Table Topic Tuesdays? If so, answer the question on your blog, then head on over to Christy's blog and link your answer!

Today's Table Topic question is: if you were going to create a new holiday what would it be and how would people celebrate it?

My immediate answer to this would be National Drink Beer Day, but then I remembered that we already have this holiday. Called St. Patrick's Day. I like the idea of Christy's holiday minus the Spa. As stated before, I have issues with the Spa. (Sorry Christy!) I actually like a tradition that my friends and I already celebrate. I think more women should celebrate it. It's called Cabin Weekend. We rent a cabin and just have a girls' weekend. A few musts at Cabin Weekend are a hot tub, lots of spirits, and a ton of fun! This year we have a pool, and we couldn't be more excited!

Sometimes life happens and all of a sudden it's been a while since you've hung out with your girlfriends. So, my friends created this weekend just to escape life for a few days and to just have fun with their girlfriends. And that's just what we do. We eat, drink, soak in the hot tub, play a few jokes (no silly string this year!), eat, and drink. Does anything really sound better than that? And believe it or not, I actually lost weight after last year's Cabin!

So, that would be my holiday. It is my holiday. Make it yours too. It doesn't matter how or where you celebrate it, just celebrate it! Man, is it time for Cabin yet???

If you want to play along in Christy's Table Topic Tuesday, post it on your blog then head over to Christy's blog and link your answer!

My friend Christy has once again given us a Table Topic to discuss. While this one made me think, it wasn't nearly as difficult as last week's question. (Not that I minded answering it. It was just tough is all.)

So, if you want to play along, answer the question, then go put your permalink back on Christy's blog.

Today Christy poses the question: Would you rather be smarter, more athletic, or better looking?

This is a TOUGH question for the analytical types, such as myself. If I choose smarter, well I'm already pretty smart (well I think I am anyway. Some may argue this.), then I risk becoming a complete nerd. You know, the kind that you laugh at on TV because they have absolutely no social skills and can prove to you that 2 + 2 = 5? Well, ok, I can already show you the proof that 2 + 2 = 5. Hmm. Let's move on. Choosing to be more athletic may be ok. I was an athlete in high school, but I had to really work at it. But if I were more athletic, then I could go pro at a sport, wait-April, you're 30. In most pro sports 30 = getting old. Except in maybe curling. (Is that a pro sport?) Ok, scratch that. How about better looking? Well, I think I'm cute. And I have worked REALLY hard on my looks in this past year. I think that's good enough for me. I'm not trying to impress anyone anyway. As long as I fit into a bikini this summer, I'm fine with it.

Drat. I still haven't answered the question, have I? Ok, I got it, I got it. I'm going with smarter. IF I were smarter, I could make more money. Then I could pay people to keep up my social skills and make me better looking. Then I could date someone like Dale Earnhardt, Jr. (he was the first one that came to mind that I know for sure is single) who is more athletic. And I'd be just fine with that. There you have it.

Yes, I am that much of a goober. Honestly, I would go with smarter. If I were smarter, then I wouldn't have to worry as much about starting school again. I hate tests. ;o)

I had every intention to write about why I don’t sleep at night today. The reasons are amusing, annoying, and just plain silly. I get a kick out of them, and some of you probably would, too. But after reading Christy’s post today, here, I decided to play along and save the sleeping post for later in the week. If you want to play along, too, please link back from Christy’s blog. :o)

So Christy’s Table Topic for today was the question: What is the hardest thing you’ve ever done?

Just answering this question was hard for me. My first inclination was to give you an answer that really wasn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And the one thing I want to be here is honest, open, and real. SO, to be honest, I still am working on the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and it’s something I may always have to work on.

The hardest thing I have ever done is learn to be happy. I discovered two things when I was a teenager that would send me into a dark place as an adult. I learned that I had lost someone I never got a chance to know, and I “remembered” something that I went through as a child that no child should ever have to go through. The blow of these two things was just too much. I lost trust in most people and built a wall around my heart. Then I befriended people that just made me feel worse about myself because I thought feeling like shit was something I deserved. I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was. I thought this was how life was.

I was at such a low point in my life that I realized things couldn’t get any worse. And I realized that if I wasn’t happy, if I couldn’t be happy, how could I EVER find the right man for me to “settle down” with. How could I ever give love to someone else if I didn’t love myself and didn’t make myself happy? So, I made a promise to myself right then and there to change this. I dumped the losers that made me feel like crap and slowly, VERY SLOWLY, started to heal.

Today, I can say that most days, I’m pretty happy. I smile a lot more now. I laugh a lot more now. But, honestly, I still struggle with it. If something bad happens, then I have to really work to not let myself linger in the bad. But I am much better at not lingering. Yes, bad things happened to me. But I DESERVE to be happy, and I'm going to be happy. I’m learning to not be so hard on myself and to accept that some days are going to suck, but it doesn’t have to be most days. I have friends now that make me laugh, that pick me up, and that boost my ego. Now, I feel like maybe one day, just maybe, I will find the right guy to give love to. And that wall? Well, it can still be thrown up at a moment’s notice, it can also be taken down in the most surprising of times (um, like right now). I consider myself a pretty lucky girl. I found my way out of the dark.