Table Topic Tuesdays

I had every intention to write about why I don’t sleep at night today. The reasons are amusing, annoying, and just plain silly. I get a kick out of them, and some of you probably would, too. But after reading Christy’s post today, here, I decided to play along and save the sleeping post for later in the week. If you want to play along, too, please link back from Christy’s blog. :o)

So Christy’s Table Topic for today was the question: What is the hardest thing you’ve ever done?

Just answering this question was hard for me. My first inclination was to give you an answer that really wasn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And the one thing I want to be here is honest, open, and real. SO, to be honest, I still am working on the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and it’s something I may always have to work on.

The hardest thing I have ever done is learn to be happy. I discovered two things when I was a teenager that would send me into a dark place as an adult. I learned that I had lost someone I never got a chance to know, and I “remembered” something that I went through as a child that no child should ever have to go through. The blow of these two things was just too much. I lost trust in most people and built a wall around my heart. Then I befriended people that just made me feel worse about myself because I thought feeling like shit was something I deserved. I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was. I thought this was how life was.

I was at such a low point in my life that I realized things couldn’t get any worse. And I realized that if I wasn’t happy, if I couldn’t be happy, how could I EVER find the right man for me to “settle down” with. How could I ever give love to someone else if I didn’t love myself and didn’t make myself happy? So, I made a promise to myself right then and there to change this. I dumped the losers that made me feel like crap and slowly, VERY SLOWLY, started to heal.

Today, I can say that most days, I’m pretty happy. I smile a lot more now. I laugh a lot more now. But, honestly, I still struggle with it. If something bad happens, then I have to really work to not let myself linger in the bad. But I am much better at not lingering. Yes, bad things happened to me. But I DESERVE to be happy, and I'm going to be happy. I’m learning to not be so hard on myself and to accept that some days are going to suck, but it doesn’t have to be most days. I have friends now that make me laugh, that pick me up, and that boost my ego. Now, I feel like maybe one day, just maybe, I will find the right guy to give love to. And that wall? Well, it can still be thrown up at a moment’s notice, it can also be taken down in the most surprising of times (um, like right now). I consider myself a pretty lucky girl. I found my way out of the dark.

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Christy M. said...

Thank you for being so open and honest. I've really, really enjoyed getting to know you over the past month!

I've written so many "hard" posts that have just sat in my drafts box for months and months. I finally realized that writing them wasn't going to make me feel any better. Once I hit that publish button, I realized that I was putting myself out there, but it was so wonderful to feel that release and to get feedback from other people. To realize that I wasn't the only one with those feelings or experiences.

I hope you feel that way now! I hope you feel like you're one step closer to your happiness.

I think one of the best things about blogging is the friends I've made. I'm so glad we stumbled across each other on Twitter!

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I'm a walking contradiction. While I love to draw, paint and read, I also love all things gadgets, science and even science fiction (I know). My animals (two dogs and two birds) are my heart, and if I could figure out how to legally own a giraffe, I would. That all said, I have my BS in Mathematics. :o)


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