I tried to fool the world, but I could not fool my heart

For a few years now, I've been on a journey. I'm looking to unite my mind, body, and soul. If I want to do continue to do that and strive to be the best person I can, this has to be said.

I fell in love with a boy once. I knew as sure as the sky is blue that we could have had a nice life together, but I let fear control me and I never told him how I felt. Then, one day his mother told me he met a girl. A few months later, they were engaged and a year later, they were married.

I sat in the church at his wedding trying to be happy for him and his bride, but really all I thought of is where I went wrong.

Now, I realize that the exact moment that he chose her was the beginning of a journey for me. A journey to discover my true self. (I should send him and his wife a thank you note.)

I can't tell you how many times I've heard from family members, "Are you dating anyone?" "Have you met you a nice boy yet?" "April, when are you gonna find a good man and get married?" My great-aunt Opal used to walk up to me, pick up my left hand, see my naked ring finger, shake her head, and walk away without ever saying a word. (This always made me laugh.)

Despite disappointing a lot of my family in this area of my life, I did date. As a result of meeting and dating "nice" boys, I've been stood up, sort of phone stalked(this is actually a funny story), stood up again, demanded sex happen NOW (this guy was dumped immediately), rejected, and told I would never have a real relationship. Not one relationship ever lasted longer than three months.

I decided that there was something broken in my brain that wouldn't allow me to be in a healthy, happy relationship with a nice boy. (Let's disregard the fact that the boys weren't that nice, OK? Thanks.) And I gave up dating. I made peace with that. I could learn to be content with never finding love. At times, I was content.

I always knew I was different growing up. I wasn't like the girls who loved to shop or knew how to perfectly poof their bangs every morning, and when my aunt gave me a make-up set for Christmas when I was 17, I thanked her with a smile, but secretly thought, why in the world would she give me something like this?

Throughout my twenties, I was asked several times if I was gay. Rumors were spread around work. Some people won't even talk to me still because of these rumors. I always strongly denied the rumors because in my mind, I wasn't gay. To me, being gay meant that you cut your hair like a guy, you dressed in guys' clothes and you hated men. I was none of those things. Yet I was different.

You see, being gay in my family means that you are not accepted. It means you've made a choice to live your life not according to the way God would want you to live your life. If you are gay, you also are not a child of God and do not accept Him into your life. Very few of my family members feel like being gay was something that is you are born with.

I've been at family functions and seen family members hear the word "gay" or "lesbian" and snarl their noses, as if being gay is something gross.

All I ever wanted was to be accepted. I tried to just blend in. The harder I tried to blend in, the more I failed. So, I decided to embrace the fact that I am a nerd. I love books and fantasy and I believe in magic and I keep toys on my desk at work. I think Star Trek is cool and aliens are real and when I hike, I always look for unicorns. (And I have a BS in Mathematics.)

With acceptance of my nerdiness (and others' acceptance of my nerdiness), came acceptance that different is OK. I started looking within me at other parts of me that are different. What I found is that, yes, I am gay. Being gay is as much a part of me as my nerdiness. It is as much a part of me as my hair is brown or my eyes are green. And what I found is while, others may not think it's OK, I had to first realize myself that it is OK. I am more than OK.

Slowly, as I started telling people, I realized that not everyone believes as most in my family does. Gay, straight, brown, white, yellow, green, I am still April. I will always be April. I will always be working to better myself as a human and I am who I am.

What I found, is that most people like April just because I'm me.

Three months ago, I started dating this amazing girl. I never knew love could be so beautiful and so fun. While the future has not yet been written, I hope that we are in each other's lives for a long, long time.

I'm not sure what the future holds at all. I'm not sure what my family will say when they find out about my sexuality (from me or if they read it here). But one thing I do know is that no matter what people say or what they think, I am good. Life is good.

And it will all be OK.

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25 comments:

Midwest Mommy said...

I'm happy for you! I hope everything works out and your family reacts with love and understanding.

Bacardi Mama said...

I'm so happy for you April. You sound very happy and I love that. I hope your family comes through for you.

Roo said...

You are happy. You have found an amazing person. THAT is what matters. I am thrilled for you!

BTW, this girly girl could totally teach you how to perfectly poof your bangs. I'm just sayin... ;)

Love ya, hooker!

Mommy Mo said...

I am so proud of you. I wish I could say that your family will come around for sure but I can't. However, as someone very wise told me once, the only person who can make you happy is you. Good luck on this new journey- we'll be here for you. MWAH!

Crooked Eyebrow said...

APRIL
I wish i was there to give you the biggest hug.

I hope your breathe easier now and you tread lighter knowing that you are well into your journey. May happiness and love find you at every turn.

My hope for you this year is to find more happiness and peace from both yourself and your family.

xoxoxo

Jennie said...

DUDE. This is awesome, you are awesome, your girlfriend is awesome, DID I MENTION THIS IS AWESOME? It made me smile so hard my face hurts now. :)

Heather of the EO said...

I love you, lady. I'm so glad you've said this. So glad. And I'm happy for your happiness.

You're amazing, beautiful friend.

xoxo

Christy M. said...

You are good. You are amazing, and you are perfect just like you are.

I hope you're not sitting at your computer at work feeling like you're going to puke all day. I hope you are smiling and happy and hopeful for the future, because that's what you deserve.

You deserve to be YOU!

I love YOU!

linster said...

April! Wow - this is so best. Keep breathing; you'll find it a lot easier now, I bet. Congrats, friend.

Karena said...

April - you are wonderful just as you are. Believe that. Own it. I hope you get the support you need from your family. You already have it from us. Good for you for being true to who you are.

Mrs. Cline said...

So happy for you & wishing you all the joy in the world! :)

Brooke said...

*big hugs*

Heather D said...

Happy tears! So proud of and happy for you. You're so loved.

Kirsten said...

This post makes me so happy for you and *proud* of you. For taking that deep breath and hitting publish. I hope nothing but the best for you and "her". :) ((hugs)) my friend. You are amazing - even though you're a trekkie.

Fun Pusher said...

I love you, you absolutely AMAZING woman! I'm proud of you and happy for you and just...I don't even have the words. Big hugs and know that I've got your back! Love you!

Christie O. said...

As all the lovely ladies before me, I LOVE YOU! I am so happy for you for knowing in your heart means acceptance means accepting yourself first. I love April for April and I know your family and friends will too. How could they not?

*Lissa* said...

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!! I hope you feel as light as a feather right now, I know how hard this was for you to write. Those of you who love you for YOU will be in your life no matter what, even if you are a nerd. ;p

I am happy that you are realizing just how awesome you are!

xoxoxoxo

krisp212 said...

April - Congrats on the relationship! I'm so happy that you're so happy. I know what you mean about families. My family was the same way, but they've changed over the years since my cousin made her announcement. I also know what it's like to get all the questions at family events, except my famly is always asking us when we're going to have kids. I get so tired of it. Hang in there! You're a wonderful person and a great friend. I miss our daily nerdfests at work. Your friend, Kris.

Erin said...

I commented this morning right after Nancy but apparently the Internet hates me.
I'm really proud of you, your courage. These words and your journey have made you who you are, yet it doesn't define you. Who you love is simply a part of you, like your eye color, that's always been with you...and all that matters, in the end, is that you love and are loved (and you are so loved).

Heather Anne Hogan said...

Gryffindor!

MitaKay said...

Damn, I forget to check my reader for a couple of days and I miss a momentous occasion!!! I am, always have been and always be so, so, so proud of you. Your journey has not been easy but the rewards are oh so sweet. And your biological family may be closed-minded but your other family here loves you and accepts you for who you are. I love you, girly, and can't wait to see what amazing things life has in store for the real you. xoxo

imadramamama said...

Holy Hell, woman!!! I drop off the face of the Earth for 4 days and THAT'S when you decide to write this??

I am so, so proud of you. But you knew that.

Jessica said...

I'm hoping you are breathing easier now and also that everyone around realizes you're the same April you've always been! Hugs! (and back off that nerd stuff, mkay?) ;)

jen said...

Hugs my friend!! Finding ones self can be the scariest and most exhilarating journey. I had to read your post like three times - I kept getting all teary - happy, proud tears.

BTW - I also laughed every time I read the part about the makeup kit - I am helpless when it comes to all that girly crap and every year my mom gives me make up for christmas...every year without fail.

Thank you so much for baring your soul for all of us to get to know you better! I think I love you more and more as I get to know you and your butt better be at fitbloggin because there MUST be drinking under the nipple in the sky!!

Much LOVE!

xox, jen

~Mendie~ said...

Oh I heart you April and whom your heart chooses to love makes no difference.

I am so proud of you, those who really care for you will always be there , just remember that when you encounter one who does not.

((hugs)) my wonderful nerdy friend!

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