Two years ago, I gave up dating. I don’t enjoy it. I don’t think I’ve ever been on a date that I can say I’ve had a lot of fun. The guys that I have dated were more interesting in getting me into bed or bragging about themselves instead of trying to have real “getting to know you” conversations. So I said screw it. I wasn’t going to waste my time anymore on it. And I’ve been pretty content with my decision.

And then came facebook. I have mixed feelings about that site. On one hand, I’ve reconnected with people that I know I would have never talked to again. On the other hand, I may not want to be found by some people. Enter the one we’ll call The Dude for now. Years ago I worked with The Dude, and after a few years, for whatever reason, The Dude got fired. And now he’s found me on facebook. Then he emailed me at work, and we’ve been chatting for a week. I admit it. He amuses me. The Dude is funny. But I also think he’s interested in more than just chatting over email. And that’s when I get nervous. I would like to thank fitness hero #1 for talking me off the ledge a few times last week. ;o)

I have this fear of the unknown. Most people do, right? But the difference (I think) with me is that I tend to turn my back on the unknown. So rather than take the chance that I’ll discover something wonderful, I hide from it. To make matters worse, a friend of mine and I were talking last night. She told me that she and The Dude talked years ago, and while it didn’t go anywhere it might have if she hadn’t met her current boyfriend. Great.

So now that I’ve published to you all how completely weird I am, I’m going to go contemplate this situation. Did I mention that I’m extremely analytical? Some days, it’s a wonder I make it through the day.

One of the things that convinced me to get my ass in gear to get healthy was an event that took place in September of 2007. My extended family on my maternal grandmother’s side decided to have a family reunion. So, that weekend, my mom and I headed to my parents’ hometown. One of my mom’s sisters tends to have a very, how can I put this nicely, overpowering personality. When you get to know me, I can be one of the most outgoing people you know, but when I’m around certain family members, I grow quiet. Enter Wallflower April. One of the first things I noticed was my aunt grabbing my mom’s camera making herself official event photographer.

It didn’t take me long to figure out why she took such forceful charge of the camera. She was staying out of pictures. She’s battled with her weight most of her adult life, and despite being very outgoing, she’s very insecure. So, this was her way of not having to see herself in pictures. At the end of the reunion, we realized that we needed to squeeze an extra person in my aunt’s car. So, my aunt puts her arm around me and proudly announces to the rest of the extended family that she and I would take the front seats because we needed to face it that we were the fat ones of the family. I was mortified. And pissed. It took every ounce of my being to not blow up at her right there. I didn’t want to ruin the day for the others. So, we got back to my grandparents’ house and I went quietly to my room (yes I have my own room there), and took the camera with me. I reviewed the pictures and saw that she had taken quite of few of me at not so good angles. Is that what I really looked like? With tears streaming down my face, I erased those pictures leaving only ones of me that weren’t so bad.

I’d like to say that immediately I got all of the puzzle pieces together and a couple of months later, I lost a lot of weight, but that’s not true. Weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint, and it took me a few months to learn and get all of the tools I needed. Now, I’ve lost a lot of weight, and my aunt hates it. She has tried over and over again to make me feel bad about losing weight. And while yes, it hurts me to still be insulted when I have so much to be proud of myself for, it also makes me sad. She’s hurting. While it’s wrong of her, that’s her way of dealing with it. So, I take the insults or just stay away. I will not play her game. I will not let her make me feel bad about something that I have worked so hard for. She even told me that she quit caring and is just going to be happy being fat. Problem. She was just diagnosed with diabetes. What hurts me the most is that I know I can help her. I have the key, but she won’t take it. And until she seeks my help or figures it out on her own, there’s nothing I can do for her.

So, I guess my point of all of this is that some of you may have people in your lives like this. You each have to figure out how best to handle it for your particular situation. Just DO NOT let them get you down. Whether you are at the beginning, middle, or the end of your marathon, you have a lot to be proud of. You’ve decided to make the change and live healthier lives. And that, my friends, is awesome.

Today is weigh-in #2 with the Sisterhood’s “Looking Fine for Valentine’s” Challenge. I've been really worried about this weigh-in. Ok, who am I kidding? I‘ve gotten anxious each time I‘ve weighed in this past year. But the week was a real challenge for me. I did well on Wednesday, then woke up on Thursday with a sore throat. This had bad news written all over it. A sore throat means the start of something bad. And I just can’t drink water when my throat is sore. So, good-bye water; hello soda. (Bad April!) I was hoping and willing that the burning feeling in my throat would just go away. No such luck. By nine that morning, my ears were screaming, and I had a headache from hell. Friday and Saturday were no better. So, needless to say, work outs didn't get worked out. Sunday I felt some better, so I tried to work out, but my body just gave out after twenty minutes. On Monday, after many hours of Nyquil-induced sleep, I finally got a decent work out in. Now, I’m going to get on the scales and hope for the best…

Last week’s weight: 151.4
Today’s weight: 151.2

Well. That’s less than stellar, but it could have been worse. It’s not a gain, I guess. I didn’t expect have a big loss this week. And we all know that the last 20 is the hardest to lose. And considering that I just didn’t have the energy to work out on normal work out days stinks, but well, it is what it is. No need to sit and worry over the past. I’ve worked too hard this last year to be discouraged by one week. What I need to do is to get over the past week, work hard this coming week, and be anxious all over again next Wednesday morning. :o)

If you’re familiar with the television show The Biggest Loser, then you have seen the bullying, screaming, tough as nails trainer Jillian Michaels. But did you know that she does a radio show every Sunday morning? When I found this out, I decided to give it a listen. One of the first shows I listened to, Jillian talked about the dangers of Splenda. She completely trashed it. Said that it wasn’t safe as the manufacturer’s want us to believe. That they claim it’s calorie-free, but that it wasn’t true because what they do is take sugar and wash it in chlorine which causes your body to not absorb the calories. At that point, I looked down at my coffee that was sweetened with-you guessed it-Splenda in disbelief. This couldn’t be true, could it? I mean, I love Jillian, and I’m sure she knows her stuff when it comes to working out, but this just couldn’t be true. So, I decided to do a little digging of my own.

What I found is that experts aren’t really sure if Splenda is safe or not. Some people have side effects and some people don’t. What I do know is that to make Splenda, they take sugar (chemically known as sucrose) and replace parts of it with chlorine atoms (I found this on http://www.womentowomen.com/nutritionandweightloss/splenda.aspx). Now, I’m by no means an expert, and can only give my personal feelings and opinions on this, but did you catch that? Chlorine. Just like Jillian said. According to the article, your digestive system doesn’t recognize it. So, technically, it has calories, but your body just doesn’t absorb those calories.

The more I thought about it, the more I kept thinking about that chlorine. Is that something I want to put into my body? Like the article said, they don’t know if it’s safe, so why would I want to wait until the experts find out if it’s safe? Ok, decision made, I’m going to switch to a natural sugar substitute. Problem. I don’t like any of the ones that I’ve tried so far. I’ve tried Stevia, erythritol, and the new product on the market Truvia (which contains both Stevia and erythritol). I don’t like the aftertaste that Stevia and Truvia leave. And it takes so much erythritol to get my coffee sweet enough for my taste that I might as well just use sugar. The one natural sugar substitue that I haven’t tried is xylitol. I haven’t tried it is because I haven’t been able to find it yet in the area that I live. Yes, yes, I know I can order it online and will probably do so soon, but what if I don’t like it either? I can’t use regular sugar. There are way too many calories in sugar for that. I might as well go to Starbucks every day (hmmm-no, I can’t do that). And I won’t give up coffee. It’s not happening. I mean, soda is one thing I think I can give up(well mostly), but coffee? Nope. I guess the thing to do is to just try the xylitol and see what happens. I’ll keep you posted.

Rock back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. His eyes are staring at the wall, his face set with a look that says, “I will NOT go to sleep.” He lifts his head up, and I close my eyes and start humming “You Are My Sunshine”. He relaxes his head back and settles in for a nice snuggle. I feel his first big sigh. I peek down at him and see his eyes are getting heavy. Keep humming, April. He starts singing to himself in an attempt to keep himself awake. I smile. This has to be one of my favorite sounds. With his second big sigh, his singing gets slower and slower and eventually fades away into endless dreams of whatever babies dream of. And he is asleep. Fade out “You Are My Sunshine.“ I couldn’t help but sit there rocking my nephew just a while longer. I so rarely get him to myself anymore. The time we spent rocking were the best 20 minutes of my weekend.

As I sit here on Saturday night/Sunday morning, I took some time to write some of my random thoughts down (I've seen some cool people do this on their blogs and thought I'd try my hand at it). That said, enjoy. ;o)

I am a rock star at Guitar Hero…on easy. These kids that play on expert levels like it ain’t a thang, piss me off.

It’s been a while since I’ve trimmed my cocker spaniel’s fur. Makes her look like the sheep dog on Looney Tunes. Aww, I like that sheep dog.

Law & Order: SVU is the best of the L&O’s.

Sometimes the best thing about owning a parrot is when you cover them up at night (those of you who own one understand.).

I just love my new TV. It’s so hard to watch things in standard definition now.

My biggest fear is that my nephew will grow up not knowing me (long story, I’ll share it if you like). I love that kid more than life itself.

Tom Welling is HOT.

Enough Nyquil in your system will give you the best sleep ever. Seriously.

Some dude I don’t know just added me on Facebook. I hate when that happens. Oh wait, I do know him. Cool.

The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans rocks. I’ve had quite a few chuckles reading the blogs from there this week. Thanks, girls!

And there ya go. Happy weekend, everyone!

Saturday morning. I'm lying here on my couch with a freaking cold. I hate any part of being sick. No, not hate-loathe. Yes, that's better. I spent a good portion of my childhood being sick, so when I have even a hint of a sniffle, I'm just annoyed. But oh well, it is what it is, and I'll get over it...hold on, just let me take some Nyquil.

Now, I don't often just hang out on the couch on Saturday mornings. I'm usually up and cleaning house or off to run errands (translation: errands usually = shopping. ha!). But since I am just lying here this morning, you know what would have been super nice? A morning full of cartoons. Yeah, I know...you moms may be saying, you're joking right? That's all I do is watch cartoons. But I'm not talking about the cartoons of today. I'm talking about the cartoons we all grew up with. Now, I realize I may not be up to date with what's on TV now, but it just seems to me that a good portion of today's cartoons just aren't funny. I don't think it's because I'm an adult, because I admit that I have the sense of humor of a child. One of my favorite gadgets is my fart machine (the best $10 I ever spent). I really think it's because these cartoons just aren't funny. What ever happened to the greats like Thundercats, the Smurfs, Snorks, He-Man and She-Ra, Gummi Bears, or <enter your favorite cartoon here>?? Those were great cartoons!

When I was a kid, there was absolutely nothing better than to wake up, realize that I didn't have to go to school, roll out of bed, roll onto the couch (after I turned the TV on and switched the dial MANUALLY. How did we survive with no remotes?), and watch cartoons all morning. And Saturday mornings usually meant pancakes. I'm telling you, there was nothing better than that. I guess with these cable stations now, there's no need for Saturday morning cartoons. You can have cartoons all the time, and that's fine, but dudes, take a look a your cartoons and make them better at least. Make them funny! So, with no good cartoons on right now, I guess I'm just going to have to pick out a dvd...oh no, a decision.

PS. For all of you He-Man fans, Hulu.com has posted some episodes of season 1. Go re-live your childhood!