My Fear

I've thought about this a lot lately. And when I mean a lot, I mean A LOT.

Usually when asked what my biggest fear is, I will automatically answer with "death". It's true. Death scares me, but I don't think that's my biggest fear. It may be part of my biggest fear, but the more I think about it, my biggest fear is something completely and totally silly and out of my control.

My biggest fear is the unknown. I would go so far to say that my fear has influenced tons of decisions in my life. (Aren't fears funny things like that? We let them control us. Why? I mean really, if you think about it, it seems sort of silly doesn't it? But as silly as it is, I'm guilty of letting my fear control me.)

For example, I can say that I lived at home through college instead of going away because my dad made me. While that is true, had I not been so afraid of what was out there, I would have insisted on going away, and I know my parents would have let me.

Also, I've been at my company for 9 years now. I love the people I work with, but I hate the job and don't feel much better about the company. Yet, I've done next to nothing to move towards something that I know I would love. Why? Because, OMG, what's out there?

What would life be like if I were to do these things? I don't know. It's unknown, so I'll just stay right here, thanks.

There are so many things that I shy away from because I just.don't.know.

I know you're thinking, OMG how do you live that way? Well, I can be fun, I swear! I mean, I got my belly button pierced on a dare for crying out loud.

I know the fear itself isn't silly, but the way I can let it control my decisions is. So, if I know this then why do I do it? And now, I've lived this way for so long, that just stopping would be, well, weird to me.

I'm sure six or so years ago, I could have given you some terrific, well thought out, and seemingly logical explanation for why this fear was a good thing, but the truth is I just don't know anymore. And since I can't give good reason for my fear, or better yet, why I let my fear control me, then there must be no good reason. (How's that for logic, eh?)

Really, I'm tired of letting it control me. I'm tired of being such a coward that I shy away from things. It really is hard work. I'm ready for it to be easier. I'm lazy like that.

I feel like recently, I've made really good progress on breaking this terrible habit. I've met some amazing new people OVER THE INTERNET, and met a lot of you (which trust me, that wouldn't have happened a few years ago. No way.). I've taken a really hard look on my inside and have worked on trying to get happy and stay happy. I've lost 62 lbs. These are things that you just don't do by living in fear of the unknown, but this is something that I still need to work on. And work on it I will.

I can't promise that tomorrow I will wake up and just throw this fear out of the window. I can promise to be more aware of it and to try not to let it get to me as much. I think in time, I won't let my fear control me as much. And that makes me happy.

But you can't make me like spiders. No way. Not ever.

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7 comments:

livinginagirlsworld said...

My life seems to be in constant change, but I fear the unknown of change too. I guess because growing up we moved every couple of years and even though I didn't want to move, I had no choice. So sometimes I (we) make choices because it's what needs to happen not because I like the assumed rosy picture on the other side. Change is scary, but I'm glad to see you are slowly embracing the fact that it can be a good thing, a fun thing, and there are rewards for taking that leap of faith.

~Mendie~ said...

Acknowledging it is the hardest part, it's so easy to ignore it and accept it as a part of your life.

I'm afraid of a lot of stuff too and tend to live in a state of "what-ifs", which can be exhausting. It's tough to accept things and work towards the good instead of worrying about the bad, but it feels so good when we make little steps.

Congrats sweetie! And woot-woot on the 62 lbs! Awesome!

Christie O. said...

oh, i would never ask you why you let it control you that way! because EVERYONE fears the unknown in some way! EVERYONE goes with what's easier and what they're comfortable in some capacity and at some point! I really seriously think there are only a chosen few in this world who not just identify it but move outside this comfort zone. If you actually do it, YOU are one of the few. I am trying to do the same thing. I've ventured more out of my comfort zone recently than I ever have and it really is FREEING! Because what could happen? Either you are unhappy again which is no loss because you're already unhappy in whatever current situation that you've tried to change or VOILA! YOU MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY! We all should really do it way more. We really have nothing to lose.

Brooke said...

i'm right there with ya! i fear the unplanned. it seems silly to put the word "fear" to it. but its seriously stressing me that i don't know what i'm doing for dinner tonight (inlaws might or might not be here) so i don't know if i'll have leftovers to take to work.

okay so not at all the same as fearing a new job - but none the less, its a fear of the unknown.

Heather of the EO said...

I totally hear you. I think most people operate this way. The unknown IS scary. Forward motion is totally terrifying to me when I can't see my way. It's hard work to trust yourself and believe that it's all going to be OK. I get it.

DALewis said...

I don't like spiders either. *shudder*

Erin said...

Acknowledging and accepting a fear is a huge step, even if you don't or can't fix it right away.

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