Gemini

I was born on June 15th. That makes my zodiac sign Gemini, the sign of the twins. I love being a Gemini, but not for the reasons you may think. It has nothing to do with my personality or my horoscope. It has everything to do with something about me that you may not know.

As a child, I was fascinated with all things twins. Almost every doll that I had, I gave a twin (if it didn't already come with one). I read every story about twins I could get my hands on, I watched every show on twins I could find, and I had an uncanny ability to tell the difference between Mary Kate and Ashley as Michelle on Full House.

If I'm being completely honest here, I've never felt whole. I've always felt like something was missing. Or someone was missing. Like I'm half of a pair. I've spent every Christmas, every birthday feeling like something just wasn't quite right. Like we were missing someone in our celebrations. Once, when I was 12 or so, I became convinced that I was really a twin, that she was kidnapped at birth and to save me from the pain of it, my parents kept it from me. (Dramatic, no?) I waited until my parents had left the house for a bit, went into their room, opened the strong box, and found my birth certificate. I was heartbroken when I saw that the little box marked "singleton" was checked.

I couldn't believe that I could be so wrong. Every ounce of my being told me that the "twin" box should have been checked. I KNEW that I was a twin. I had to be. Only I wasn't.

Except that I was.

My mom lost my twin while she was pregnant with us. So, all of those feelings, all of those little pings and pangs that something was missing were right. I felt so relieved and happy to know that I was right.

But also I had to grieve. For the sister I never got to know or grow up with or laugh with or cry with. I had lost her without ever really having her. It just didn't seem fair. It wasn't fair. But I knew deep down that for whatever reason, that's just the way it was meant to be.

I often wonder now what life would be if she were here. Would I be different having grown up with her? Would our family be different? What would family functions be like?

It took me a long time to realize that she IS here. She's part of me. She has been with me for every single day of my life. She's experienced everything through me. I can feel her presence, which is why I think I was so fascinated with twins when I was a child.

No, it isn't the same as if she were here, living life as I do, but it helps my heart to not feel so empty to know that her spirit lives inside of me. That gives me peace, and that's why I love being a Gemini.

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11 comments:

flipflopsandfreckles.com said...

This was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes even though I already knew about it. *hugs*

CraftGirlAlli said...

This made me get a little teary eyed. Isn't it amazing how we can sense those kind of things?

Kirsten said...

Wow. Our hearts know what the truth is.

~Mendie~ said...

That is amazing, sometimes there is deeper meaning to our feelings then we even realize.

I bet your twin would be so proud of you!

Brooke said...

must have been a difficult conversation for your mom to have with you. *hugs*

Brooke said...

must have been a difficult conversation for your mom to have with you. *hugs*

Heather D said...

Whoa, that's pretty incredible, that you could just FEEL it.
My mom is a twin. That connection is amazingly strong.
Your twin - she's totally with you, I'm sure of it.
Hugs to you!

Heather of the EO said...

WOW. Just WOW. I'm so moved by this! I love it that you knew, and at the same time I'm so sad for you, to always feel that missing piece of you even as you feel like she's there. I'm sure it's hard to imagine life with her in it, the way you would have been friends...

but you're right, deep down you knew things were as they should be...

LOVE your thoughts.

*Lissa* said...

I totally get this. When I was pregnant with the twins, I just knew it all along for those five months before the ultrasound. Our bodies and minds just have away of "knowing" things before we are coherently able to REALLY know. If that makes any sense at all.

It must be so tough to think about the "what ifs".

xo

AnnG said...

Wow!! That must have been so difficult to learn...especially after you "believed" it for so long. Amazing how our spirits know things before we do.

Christy M. said...

Hugs, girl. I know you've told me this story, but it still makes me cry. I'm sorry you never got the chance to meet your sister, but I know she's with you. And if it makes a small difference, you are an awesome SISTER!!!!!

xoxoxo

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