I looked up from the book I had just finished reading. I had tears in my eyes. From my front porch, I could hear a bird singing nearby. I felt a breeze on my face. I looked around my yard and neighborhood and sighed. Something big was about to happen...

I absorbed what I just read.

My life made sense now. My whole life made sense all in this moment.

I smiled. And I cried.

I cried because deep down I knew that in reading Like Me, my life was going to change. My life had to change. I had been stuck in limbo for far too long. I was living a lie and I was ashamed of myself.

I cried because I was so very scared. I knew that in telling people, I may lose people that I cared about.

I cried because I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to go about telling people.

I cried because I knew that I had finally found my path to happiness.

I smiled again.

My whole life I searched for someone who was like me. I couldn't understand why I had the feelings that I did and I grew up being told that being gay wasn't "right." As I read Chely Wright's words, I found myself saying "Me too!" and I was proud of Chely for having the courage to come out to the world. All of a sudden, I wanted to come out to the world too!

Living a lie was tiring. I wanted to live life instead. I needed to tell my world.

I closed the book, stood up, and began looking at the world with whole new eyes.

It was all going to be okay. Life would be good.

Life is good.

Thank you, Chely.

I didn’t really want to go out that night. I waited until the very last second to take a shower, then I waited until the very last second to decide what to wear, then I waited until the very last second to get dressed, put my make up on. I waited until the very last second to decide to actually go.

A friend wanted me to go out with her to our ONE GAY CLUB. The problem was that I just didn’t FEEL like going. I mean, I had only been to that club once or twice and that was years ago. When I was “straight.” What would happen if someone I wasn’t attracted to asked me to dance? What would happen if I got there and felt uncomfortable? What if I got there and hated it, but felt obligated to stay because I didn’t want to leave my friend? What if I went there and no one wanted to dance with me?

I told myself that I didn’t feel like going, but now that I think about it, I was afraid. I was afraid of what might happen. Of might not happen. I was thinking exactly how I did when I tried so hard to be straight knowing that something just didn’t feel right.

I have a lot of feelings.

In a split second I decided to go. I would go and just have a good time.

My friend and I sat at the bar. I think I had been telling her about how I wasn’t sure if I would ever meet anyone who was my type in our town. I say, “I think” because right after that, my whole night, my whole world changed.

She walked in.

I felt so many feelings all at once. My head rushed, my heart slammed. “There is my type,” I told my friend and pointed to the beautiful woman who was standing near us at the bar.

Our eyes caught and I tried to smile, but I’m not sure if I did because I suddenly felt shy. I watched her as she walked off. I watched her with her friends. I watched her walk outside. I watched her as she stood in front of me, looked back at me and smiled. I watched her as she danced with the girl that I thought was her girlfriend.

My heart sank a little.

After a while on the dance floor, my friend said she needed to go out for some air and when I turned, there was the girl. I smiled. She smiled. Her hand touched mine, our bodies were pulled closer together by magic, or maybe it was her hand, who knows. All I know is that in that moment, when two people meet, there is a magic in the air. Time slows and you are the only two people in the world who exist.

Reality struck again when the one that I thought was her girlfriend approached. I backed off, put my hands up as if to say, “I’m sorry.” She smiled. “She’s not my girlfriend.” She pulled me back to her and we disappeared back into the world that we had created.

I’m not sure how long we danced. It could have been five minutes. It could have been five hours. I was so overwhelmed with feelings but the one that I felt most was that this? It felt right.

One week and two days until my 33rd birthday. I haven't written here much. I am blocked. I let stress take over, and words have left me. Or I should say that perfect words have escaped me. I have questioned my ability as a writer.

"Maybe you can't make it as a writer after all, April."

I write those words and half smile to myself. They seem silly to me. I am a writer. It's the first thing I tell people when they ask what I do for a living. Of course, I use the disclaimer that my writing doesn't pay the bills. Yet. Which, if my writing never pays the bills, I'm okay with that because I love to write.

So, why am I blocked? This blog doesn't have to be perfect. It's about me and I am far from perfect. I actually love that about myself.

I love that I am constantly figuring out who I am and what I like and dislike. More than one person in my life has told me to never change, and I feel like that is the worst thing to say to a person. I spent the majority of my twenties being a person that I wasn't. Now, most days I feel like a small child who is discovering new things in this world every single day. I feel myself becoming more and more comfortable in my skin.

It's quite an amazing feeling, but I'm thinking maybe that is why my writing fails me. I was sitting in a session at a recent conference and I thought, my blog is about to go somewhere. I don't mean make it big because I don't really care about that. I care more about touching lives. What I think those thoughts meant is I feel myself changing. I feel my writing changing. (Or maybe some of the focus of my writing changing? Hmm. Maybe I just think too much.) Maybe I just don't know what to do with all of these feelings I have yet. Maybe, what I mean is that maybe, just maybe, this blog is about to become more "me". Hmm.

Should be fun to see what happens.

PS. I should note that I made a deal with two people in particular that I would show off my rapping skills. I'm sure that alcohol will need to be involved to have this happen but expect this deal to be paid in full right here on this blog soon.

I pulled into the garage and my first thought was, this isn't right. Instead of trusting myself and turning around and leaving the garage, I parked my car. I also figured when I couldn't find the floor that led to the hotel, that something was wrong, but again, instead of going back to my car, I walked out to the street and into the Hilton

This just isn't right, I thought. I remember the hotel we were in last year, and this isn't it.

I checked my phone (because you know, it's always better to do that after you have that gut feeling that you're wrong and walk into the wrong hotel), see that the conference was at the Marriott, and think, oh good! I saw one of those just about a block down!

I walked into the Marriott, and once again, I knew this isn't right. I looked at the address again, marched over to the check-in desk (because, you know, it's always better to do that after you've been to the second wrong hotel), stuck my phone in the poor employee's face and said, "Can you please tell me where this is?"

I went to the wrong garage and two wrong hotels for the beginning of my FitBloggin. I am that cool. I admit, Now, let me tell you about the rest my FitBloggin...

I was in it for the shoes. OK, not really. Only sort of really. I was all kinds of stupid excited about those shoes.

Even though I have a touch of social anxiety, I love FitBloggin. On The Biggest Loser, each season we watch a group of people who have struggle a good portion of their lives with being healthy come together to change their lives. (I know some of you don't like The Biggest Loser, but stick with me here.) They also create bonds with the people they go to the ranch with. They laugh, they cry, they work hard, and together they change their lives.

The problem with The Biggest Loser is that it isn't really real. Sure, the contestants create bonds, but for you and me? It isn't our reality. How many of you have watched that show and thought, I want that. All of it.

Guess what? We have it. FitBloggin is like our Biggest Loser ranch only better. The internet is our reality show. Only it's better. I never expected to become close friends with the people I met online. I never expected to create bonds in which we laugh, we cry, we work hard and we change lives. But I did. The friendships I have made online through blogging about my journey and fitness are some of the most amazing friendships I've ever had.

When Roni created FitBloggin, she created so much more than a conference. She created a safe place where we could all come together and celebrate the healthy changes we are making in our lives and either strengthen bonds and hopefully form new ones.

I spent the weekend with my Shrinking Jeans family. I met new people. I witnessed friendships being strengthened and friendships being born. I heard laughter and squeals. I saw and gave many hugs. I did this all while learning new things (like Zumba is fun--holy crap, did I say that out loud?) about health and fitness. I had the time of my life.

Roni, thank you for creating this place for us to come together to celebrate these wonderful life journeys that we are all on. It is an amazing reminder that we CAN DO THIS. We WILL DO IT. And we are all in this together.

That? Was my FitBloggin.

PS. To every single one of my Sisters: I love you and miss you all!

We walked across campus that Spring Game. For the handful of football games that I had been to, we parked in a private lot close to the stadium, but this was different. This was the Spring Game, and we decided that we were going to make the trek across campus.

This was something I had never done before at Virginia Tech, so all sense of direction was lost to me. My friends knew which way to go. Happily, I let them lead the way and enjoyed taking in everything my eyes, ears, and skin would allow. Campus was beautiful. The architecture was amazing. Students were happy. If I were once again a teenager searching for a place to go to college, I would have said, "This is it! This is where I am meant to be! I have found my place!" I found myself wondering why I never even had Virginia Tech on my lists of schools to go to.

I was so thoroughly enjoying taking in campus with each step, that I had no idea what was coming. I think we made a turn. Or something. Immediately I knew where we were...

The air turned thick. The building on my left was surrounded with a heavy feeling of sadness. A weight pressed on my shoulders. I knew that this was the building that had experienced such tragedy just one year earlier. We were at Norris Hall. The mood here was somber. The air was still. The sound was silent. I allowed myself to feel the loss that had taken place there. I mourned for the people who had lost their lives. My heart hurt, and I silently cried.

We turned our direction again and walked just a bit away to the memorial for the 32 people who had lost their lives that tragic day. I prayed as I passed each name. I thought of every single person as I studied their names. I thought of their families and friends. When I reached the last I gave one last look at Norris Hall, and the weight on my shoulders lifted.

We continued on and headed to the stadium, and once again, campus was happy. However, my thoughts lingered with what I had just experienced for a few minutes. I did not attend Virginia Tech. In fact, not too many months before that exact moment, I didn't even like Virginia Tech. I would have never thought in five million years that I would ever even want to be a Hokie. Yet, I could not deny what I had just experienced. I knew that right there, in that moment, I became a Hokie. I smiled to myself and rejoined the happiness of the day.

Tomorrow is April 16th. Four years ago, that tragic day forever changed many lives. Tomorrow, I will proudly wear my Hokie colors. I will do something happy in remembrance. I would love it if you would join me. Will you wear maroon or orange (or both!)? For just one day, would you please be a Hokie with me?

I'm standing with a group of friends, leaning against a fence. My friends are all excited. We are going somewhere. A party, I think. I am not excited. Someone is next to me. She is next to me. I know what she is going to say before she says it.

"Would you mind it much if we went together? As a couple?"

"I can't," I whisper back.

"You mean you won't."

She drops her head and storms past me. I've hurt her. I can feel it. I watch her as she disappears into the house. I know immediately that I have made a mistake. I need to tell her this. I chase after her.

I enter the house through a sliding glass door. Four people are standing in the room and are looking at me.

"Can you please tell me which way she went?" Without saying a word, all four people point up the stairs.

I run up the stairs, reach the landing. I have four doors to choose from. I choose the one to the far left, open the door, the room is empty. As I shut the door and turn, a young man is standing and looking at me. He is wearing jeans, a t-shirt and has long sandy hair.

He says, "That is the right door, but this is the wrong floor."

"Please, can you tell me where she went?"

He simply pointed up the stairs.

I start up to the next floor. The stairs feel much longer and steeper than the previous set of stairs.

I reach the next floor and facing me are the same four doors. "You have the right door..."

I choose the door on the far left, walk in, and...

...I wake up.

This was a dream I had many, many months ago. I don't remember what the girl looked like. I just know my feelings for her. I told her I couldn't. She was right; I wouldn't. I would like very much to go back to that dream so that I can take her hand, and say yes.