How I was ever able to get my belly button pierced, I'll never know.

When I was little and would see my mom get the nail clippers out, I would cry. I hated having my nails cut. I tensed up and cried and fought as hard as I could to try to convince my mom that cutting my nails just wasn't worth it. I lost every time.

To this day, I hate to cut my nails. It makes my hands feel weird. After cutting my nails, it's possible that I will walk around with my hands balled in fists for a long time.

I was the child that all my parents had to do was say my name a certain way and I knew I was in trouble. Promptly after hearing my name being said that way, I would start crying. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Toughen up." or "You can't be so tender-hearted." My parents never really had to ground me. When I was in trouble, I would sit and think and think and feel guilty about what I had done wrong. I can still think about things I did YEARS ago and feel terrible about it.

Things that some people may think is no big deal can send me into a deep cave of guilt/despair/or whatever feeling comes with the situation. Sometimes emotional pain can equal physical pain for me. (I'm wondering now if the "cold" I can't seem to get rid of isn't caused some by emotional things. I've had a lot of feelings lately, eh?)

The plus side to all of this is that I'm probably the most empathetic person you'll ever meet. When someone I love hurts, I feel all of their pain.

Only recently did I discover that there is a term for this state of tender-heartedness. I am what is called a Highly Sensitive Person. My brain is hard-wired to react this way and when I factor in ghosts of my past, it amazes me that I'm still functioning.

I have to work incredibly hard to not overreact to things. When compared to say, ten years ago, I'm loads better and can "breathe" through it. However, sometimes I fail.

It's been a struggle lately for me to not think the words "worthless", disappointment", "unwanted" about myself. A few times I have failed. My head knows my heart is being ridiculous. My head knows I am beautiful and loving and sincere and sweet. Instead of my head telling my heart it's being silly, it says, "Heart, it's OK. We'll make it through, but you're going to have to let me take over most of the time." My heart has agreed.

But my heart still has its moments. Like today. I cried today. For no real reason at all. At work.

I'm not fragile; I've survived some tough shit in my life. It's just that I sometimes feel things differently than others. I know things will get better, and I thank everyone for being so understanding.

I brag that I'm half Vulcan, but what I really am is Tender Heart Bear. Do Care Bears get to wear capes?

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Kirsten said...

Half Vulcan half care bear? :). And you can wear whatever the he'll you want. Want that purple bedazzled cape? Own it and wear it with pride. Smooches, girl. To you and your big ol heart.

Roo said...

I'm highly sensitive too. It's tough you. And yes I am positive your Care Bear inner child can wear a cape. :)

mathmama said...

yes, they do. preferably a cape covered in math-nerd-y type stuff... ;)

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About Me

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I'm a walking contradiction. While I love to draw, paint and read, I also love all things gadgets, science and even science fiction (I know). My animals (two dogs and two birds) are my heart, and if I could figure out how to legally own a giraffe, I would. That all said, I have my BS in Mathematics. :o)


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