One Starbucks down, about one hundred to go.

Two times in the past week, I have done two things that I never thought I would do. First, I went to Panera and had lunch and read a book for an hour. Today, I headed to Starbucks for no other reason than just to write.

Today, especially, was an interesting experience for me. It took me twice as long to write because I was constantly watching people. (Is that normal?) I chose to listen to the score of Lost to silence out people's conversations. Then I found myself wondering what those people were talking about. The microwave sounded like a rocket taking off. Even through my ear buds, I could hear it blast off! and so I would jump. (And let's not even talk about how my netbook was being an asshole.)

I've struggled with understanding why people read and write in public. I can read and write at home, so why would I go into public to do these things? There are less distractions for me at home. OK. That's a lie. There are plenty of distractions at home (Read: video games and TV) but there are no other people at home, and I've never seen that as a bad thing.

But here is a contradiction of me: I say that being around no people isn't a bad thing for me, yet a lot of the time, I feel lonely.

I also struggle with the logic of going to public places to read or write because even though I'm around people, I'm still alone. I'm just alone in public. I'm not scared of being alone or doing things alone. I've lived alone for seven years now. So, alone doesn't bother me; I just don't really like being alone anymore.

I think part of my problem is that I imagine going to a coffee shop, and while working on the next best seller (guess I need to start the next best seller, huh?), I look up and see the most beautiful pair of eyes watching me from across the room. After we make eye contact, we smile, and then who knows what happens. Clearly, I watch too much TV.

I guess I need to look at it differently. I'm doing things I've never done before to help me become a more well-rounded person. (Or something.) That is a good thing. (I guess.) I do know that neither place I went to really felt like "my place". Maybe I just need to keep looking. There are plenty of Starbucks in my town, after all.

Maybe one day I will find my place. And maybe it won't always be alone.

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2 comments:

imadramamama said...

I'm kind of like that... I hate to go out, but I feel like I'm missing out when I don't.

And, have you tried a LOCAL coffee shop?

Brooke said...

if i can tell you a secret - i've never felt more alone than i did around mile 16 of the disney marathon. surrounded by people, yet non of them were my people.

i would have given anything to have seen the pair of brown eyes (w/eyelashes that any woman would kill for) looking out of the crowd searching for me.

it wasn't until mile 26.3 that i heard from him. the journey was mine, and mine alone. and once i got in the grove of that, it was okay.

i've heard this a million times but its true, once you get back in the groove of doing it your way, those eyes will pop out at you.

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I'm a walking contradiction. While I love to draw, paint and read, I also love all things gadgets, science and even science fiction (I know). My animals (two dogs and two birds) are my heart, and if I could figure out how to legally own a giraffe, I would. That all said, I have my BS in Mathematics. :o)

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