Just add sprinkles to it...

Today was my mom's birthday. I wanted to bake her a cake and decorate it just like they do on TV. I spent all Christmas Day lying on my mom's couch dying of the worst cold known to man and together we watched this show on TLC about decorating cakes. (Not Cake Boss, but that other one.) And I said, "I can do that." So, I decided that for my mom's birthday, I would bake her a cake and make it look all pretty because I am awesome that way.

So, today, I took my mom to the mall so she could pick out a birthday present, then we went back to her house to bake her the most awesome cake in the world. Then the power went off. The cake had 10 mins left to bake. So, I left the cake in the oven for way longer than I was supposed to and hoped for the best.

I let the layers cool then decided I would layer the cake, piece it together (Just like they do on TV. I mean, come on, it looks easy on TV, right? Right.) and all would be well. When I put the third layer on the whole fucking thing fell apart. And so did I.

My mom knows I'm heart sick, but she doesn't know why. She's trying everything in her power to be cheerful and to help me through this, but she can't. I've opened my mouth a thousand times to say, "Mom, I fell in love with this woman. She is so special and wonderful, and it didn't work out, and I lost her." But every time I open my mouth, something happens and it doesn't feel right. Also, I'm afraid that if I tell her, I'll break all over again. I couldn't handle that right now.

It's been a week since we've talked, and the only thing I know is that my life doesn't feel good without her in it. I'm not sure what that means or if it means anything at all. I'm not sure of anything. No. I know she is still special and wonderful, and sometimes things just don't work out. But nights are long and lonely, and the only way I can escape my thoughts is by reading. So, I read a lot.

I know what every single one of you are going to say. Some of you have already said things to me. I appreciate it. I do. I'm just... Well you know.

One time I gave up dating. I found contentment with being alone. I hope I'll find contentment with alone again.

Maybe I'll dig a hatch on an Island and live in it until Elizabeth Mitchell comes to rescue me. Or Jennifer Nettles. (Lame attempt at a joke.)

My mom pieced the cake back together, by the way. It looked like crap, but we ate it anyway. Complete with the sprinkles my nephew put on top of it. Sprinkles make everything better.

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*Lissa* said...

I wish you lots and lots of sprinkles, girl. Love you.

Roo said...


Bacardi Mama said...

I hope it gets easier for you. Love you!

Karena said...

My heart aches for you, April, and I have no helpful words. Just know that you are loved, from the inside out.

Christie O. said...

you are exactly right. sprinkles make everything better. *love you.*

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I'm a walking contradiction. While I love to draw, paint and read, I also love all things gadgets, science and even science fiction (I know). My animals (two dogs and two birds) are my heart, and if I could figure out how to legally own a giraffe, I would. That all said, I have my BS in Mathematics. :o)


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